(FANFARE PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon, ladies. It's lovely to see such a large audience here
for this afternoon's discussion.
The largest I think that any of us here can remember.
The subject, as some of you may know, is pornography
and up here on the podium to spark us all off
well, the conversation off, we have Colonel Mainwaring-Thing
who feels that censorship is absolutely essential
and who has, of course, a wealth of experience in the field.
As a colonel.
- Good afternoon. - Good afternoon.
And a psychiatrist, Dr Hennis Borden
who feels that perhaps we should take a more liberal attitude
towards this disgusting filth. Colonel.
Well, what I have to say is perfectly simple.
Pornography equals filth.
Filth equals corruption, depravity, and the collapse of our society.
- Here, here! - And that's a fact.
Well, I'm afraid I can't agree with that, Colonel. You see, in my experience
I have never yet found a person who I could say
had been harmed by anything that they had read.
Nonsense, nonsense!
Well, look, I want to conduct a little experiment here this evening.
Now, I have a pornographic book here.
- Oh! - "Confessions of a Victorian Chambermaid".
Wiggin and Purser, two guineas.
- (COLONEL SNORTS) - And I want to read out
certain parts from it aloud.
It's alright ladies, he is a doctor.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - And, uh...
we'll see if they have any effect at all.
Thigh.
Stocking top.
Leather petticoat.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Firm young breasts.
(COLONEL SCREAMS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR: And now, At Last The 1948 Show.
Introduced as usual, by the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Good evening. I'm very interested in horoscopes.
My sign is Pisces the fish
the same as Burt Lancaster, another big star.
I'm going to have a look and see what it says for me today.
Where are we? Ah, yes.
Pisces, February 20th to March 20th.
"Your name is The Lovely Aimi MacDonald..."
"...and you are reading out your horoscope on television".
Oh, that's quite good, isn't it?
- Not very good for Burt Lancaster, though. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
(BAROQUE HARPSICHORD MUSIC PLAYS)
(MALE GERMAN VOICE ON GRAMOPHONE): Learning German.
On these records, first we give you the German phrase
then time for you to repeat the German phrase
then we give you the English meaning.
Lesson one
"At the Police Station. "
Ich bin ein britischer Staatsbürger
Ich bin ein britischer Staatsbürger.
GERMAN VOICE: I am a British citizen.
Ich weiss nicht
Ich weiss nicht.
GERMAN VOICE: I know nothing.
Lesson two.
"In the Torture Chamber".
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Hilfe.
- Hilfe. - GERMAN VOICE: Help.
Help?
GERMAN VOICE: Eine Daumenschrauber.
Eine Daumenschrauber?
- GERMAN VOICE: A thumbscrew - A thumbscrew?
GERMAN VOICE: Ein rotheiss Eisen.
Ein rotheiss Eisen?
GERMAN VOICE: A red hot poker
- Oh! - GERMAN VOICE: Revision!
Translate this passage...
"I am a British citizen."
"I know nothing."
Help, please. Not the thumbscrew or the red hot poker!
- Ich bin ein britischer Staatsbürger. - GERMAN VOICE: Faster!
- Ich weiss nicht. - GERMAN VOICE: Faster!
- Um... Hilfe! - GERMAN VOICE: Fast, fast fast!
- I can't remember! - GERMAN VOICE: Fast!
You will remember if you try!
- Eine Daumenschrauber. - GERMAN VOICE: We have ways
of making people talk!
- I can't remember! - GERMAN VOICE: You're a spy aren't you?
No, I'm a little greengrocer!
GERMAN VOICE: Stay where you are!
Keep away from that door!
(HE BLUSTERS): Look!
Look, look behind you!
GERMAN VOICE: A-ha! You...
You won't catch me with an old trick like that, English pig!
AMERICAN MALE VOICE: Drop that gun
"German Conversation in Three Easy Lessons" record
GERMAN VOICE: Curses! Who are you?
AMERICAN VOICE: I am an American-produced "Speak English the Democratic Way" record
Looks like we got here just in time!
Surround him, you records!
Now "German Conversation in Three Easy Lessons" record
or should I call you by your real name?
"Red Chinese Conversation" record
(GERMAN VOICE BECOMES CHINESE VOICE): Ho, ho! So you recognise me...
Yankee paper tiger record
But you will not take me alive!
I commit hara-kiri.
- (GRAMOPHONE CRASHES) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
AMERICAN VOICE: And so perish, all enemies of democracy
All together freedom-loving "American Conversation" records...
(THEY SING): # Oh, say can you see #
# By the dawn's early light #
# What so proudly we... # - (FANFARE PLAYS)
(DOORBELL CHIMES PLAY)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Coming!
Hello.
Oh, h-h-hello. What do you want?
I'm the undertaker. Anybody dead today?
- What? - I'm the undertaker. Anybody dead today?
- Uh, no, no. - Oh, pity.
Oh, I think you must have come to the wrong address.
No, just trying my luck.
- So, uh... you've no one you want burying. - Uh, no.
Oh, sure?
Well, I think I would know if there was anybody here who was dead.
- (HE LAUGHS) - Oh, well.
- No harm in asking. - No.
Anybody ill?
- No, no. - Oh.
Only, I don't mind waiting. I've got the hearse outside.
- No, look. Please go away. - Oh, erm...
- Any elderly relatives? - No, no.
Any cats, dogs, budgerigars
- moribund budgies... - No.
- ...anything like that? - Nothing like that, no.
Oh, dear.
Um, you don't look too well.
I feel fine, thank you very much.
- So there's nobody you want burying? - Absolutely nobody, no.
- Oh, well. Sorry to have troubled you. - Thank you.
- Bye. - Goodbye.
(UNDERTAKER CALLS): Bring out your dead!
(DOORBELL CHIMES PLAY)
Anybody I want burying!
Ha!
Damn, I forgot about Gladys.
And Uncle George...
(FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR: And now, here is an announcement
in the public interest.
Good evening.
What I have to say concerns all dog owners.
Please remember that a high-pitched whistle
whilst inaudible to the human ear
can be very irritating to your dog.
Another good way to irritate them is to drop them in a bowl of treacle.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - (FANFARE PLAYS)
(PIANO PLAYS IN GILBERT AND SULLIVAN STYLE)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
'Ello!
'Ello, 'ello!
(HE SHOUTS): 'Ello!
'Ello, what's going on 'ere then?
We're robbing the shop.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I see.
(LOOT CLATTERS)
Do you have the owner's permission?
- No! - Oh!
Do you realise you're committing a criminal offence?
- Course! - Right!
No, no, no, no, wait a minute.
"Ello, what's going on 'ere then? We're robbing this shop."
"Do you have the owner's permission? No?"
Do you realise you're committing a criminal offence?
- Yes! - Well, don't let it happen again!
(LOOT CLATTERS)
- 'Ello, still at it, I see. - Yeah.
Burglars, aren't you?
- Yeah, that's right, yeah. - I thought as much.
- What have you got in that sack, then? - Jewels, look!
Burglars?
Jewels?
There's something fishy going on 'ere.
Right, I must ask you to accompany me to the station.
No.
Right!
In that case...
I must ask you...
to remain 'ere.
Right, leave this to me.
'Ello, what's going on 'ere then?
We're robbing the shop.
- Do you have the owner's permission? - Ask him, we're busy!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Do they have the owner's permission? - No.
Are they aware that they are committing a criminal offence?
- Yes. - (LOOT CLATTERS)
Have you asked them to accompany you
- to the police station? - Yes.
- Right, we're covered then. - BURGLAR: Goodnight!
- BURGLAR 2: Goodnight. - Plan 53!
- Right. - Surround 'em!
POLICEMAN 2: Move in!
- 'Ello, they give us the slip. - So they done.
Never mind, Hawkins, they won't get away with it.
No, traffic wardens will get them.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(LIVELY JINGLE PLAYS)
NARRATOR: Topic, a frank discussion
of a controversial problem.
This week, Franklyn Trevelyan talks to Dr Rhomboid Goatcabin
about freedom of speech.
Uh, Dr Goatcabin, what I want to ask you first...
is do you believe that, in this country, there is freedom of speech?
- Well, I always... - Or to put it another way...
Do you believe that there is, in this country, freedom of speech?
- Yes, well I think that... - To paraphrase a little...
Do you believe that there is...
- freedom of speech in this country? - In this country. Yes, I do.
In other words, are people, in this country, free to speak?
- Yes, well um... - That was what I mean.
- Yes, um... - Perhaps I should say that by "free"
- I mean of course, unrestrained. - Yes.
By "speech", I mean the act
of speaking words. - Yes, quite.
And by "in this country", I mean, of course, Great Britain.
- Yes, I do appreciate... - And Northern Ireland.
- And Northern Ireland, yes. - And the Channel Islands.
- Channel islands, yes, I... - But not, of course, abroad.
- No, no. I do... - But, I mean...
I mean, to what extent do you...
- as opposed to anyone else... - Yes.
- ...who would be other people... - I know the question.
I do-do-do know the question.
...uh, feel. By "feel" I mean believe...
- ...uh, consider, hold to be true... - I know the question!
- ...credit to view, profess to believe... - I know the question!
- ...maintain, assume... - I know the question!
- ...surmise, accept, to deem, ween, or... - I know, I know, I know...
- ...that this is in fact the case... - I know the question!
Or not.
- What? What, me? - Yes.
- You want to know what I think? - That's right.
- Really? - Yes.
Well, I... I've forgotten the question!
- Uh, freedom of speech. - Oh, yes, yes.
- What I was asking was... - Well, I, I...
- ...do you feel that freedom of speech... - I... l...
- ...in this country is an illusion... - I remember the question!
- ...or a reality? - I remember the question.
- By "reality", of course, I do mean... - I remember the question.
- (HE RAMBLES) - I do know the question!
I remember the question! I do remember the question!
- (HE RAMBLES ON) - I know it! I didn't want to come here!
You made me come here!
I didn't want to come! I'm going now.
- ...an easy decision on a relative... - I'm going.
...as opposed to an absolute problem. When I say "problem", I do mean
an issue that affects all of us at this time.
I mean, I always, myself, feel that while it is universally agreed
that some restriction on the right of free speech is necessary
for example in the case of the law of libel...
(TRUMPET AND DRUM SOUND)
...or not, as the case may be.
I mean, bearing in mind that with censorship
many of the facts that lead to a repression of a person's opinion
can, in fact, lead, if bottled up, to extremely violent states of action
though I do not personally believe it to be the case...
...as there seems to be little evidence
to this effect.
Well, I always feel...
that in the case of freedom of speech
one can only... - However, I'm afraid
that's all that we have time for tonight.
- Goodnight. - (GOATCABIN SCREAMS)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) - (FANFARE SOUNDS)
(MAN WHISPERS): Cue!
All I said was "Kiss me, Hardy".
It's a bit bold, really, and it gives a lady such a bad name!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Balham High Street, please.
- What are you doing on my back? - Balham High Street, please, single.
- Please get off my back. - Oh, put me off at the Odeon.
- What? - Oh, no, no, better...
Better still, Perivale Road, the walk'll do me good.
Will you please get off!
Could we move off now, please? I'm a bit late.
Uh, is this one going to Tooting?
No, Balham. But you can hop off at Staveacre's Corner.
- Oh, thank you. - Not at all.
What is going on? I don't understand.
We're full up on top now, so can we move off, please
before the rush starts. It gets terribly crowded at rush hour, you know
- and I do hate to have to stand. - Oh, I know.
- What, more of you? - Yes, quick, here they come.
- Quick, quick, quick! - Oh, my God!
I'm going mad. I'm a 59 bus and I'm going to Balham!
- Ding, ding, ding, beep, beep, beep, beep. - Pass along the man.
Damn, missed him.
Golders Green, please.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
A lot of people have written in to ask if I really talk like this.
Well, I don't. I put it on for the show.
(IN A GRUFF MALE VOICE): This is what I really talk like.
Do you know what I mean, darling?
(IN HER NORMAL VOICE): Oh!
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Hello.
Well, now, let me remind you about one or two of our programmes later this evening.
At 10 o'clock, there'll be another chance to see the second repeat
of a repeat of a programme which was first repeated at half past nine.
And then at half past ten
there'll be a third chance to see
a recording of a repeat of the first part of the sports report report on sport
which is a repeat
of the sports report report repeat
reported by Peter Porter on the sports report, report.
This is a repeat.
Well now, it's almost half past eight
and time for our live programme
the 791st episode
of our interminably popular serial
"The Willetts of Littlehampton".
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
- Leo! - Sarah.
- Leo, is it really you? - Yes.
- (SHE SOBS) - After six years.
Let me look at you, Sarah.
You've hardly changed.
Haven't I?
How was Malaya?
Pretty damn grisly.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- I wanted you every moment, Sarah. - No, Leo. You mustn't.
- You know... - I heard.
Congratulations, Sarah.
Or should I call you Mrs Mellish?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Please don't remind me.
Is he here?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Your husband?
No!
(SHE SOBS): He's never here now.
Oh, God. It's so lonely, Leo.
- (SHE SOBS) - Poor Sarah.
Poor little darling.
- (SHE SOBS) - Sarah...
there's something I must ask you.
STUDIO MANAGER: This way party, this way!
Now, this is a television studio, you see.
This is one of our main studios.
Oh, there seems to be some sort of rehearsal gong on.
Please carry on, don't mind us.
Just showing round a party from Jordanian television
wanna have a look see, OK?
Now, over here we've got some cameras I'd like you to see.
- You were saying, Leo? - Um, uh...
Oh, yes. Sarah, there's something I must ask you.
You remember that letter I sent you from Singapore after Arthur died?
- Did you open it? - No!
Of course not. You said not to.
- Where is it? - It's in the study.
Sarah, I want you to get it now. I want you to read it.
- Now? - Please Sarah, don't argue.
- Do as I say. - Very well.
And now we're back on the set again, you see.
Thank you so much, dear. Now this is supposed to be a drawing room.
It's not real, of course, just a lick of paint and a few pieces of ply wood.
You see this sort of thing here?
- Oh, dear, um... - (SET THUDS)
Sorry about this.
By the way, this is a stage hand...
and now over here we'll just meet one of our actor chappies. Hello, there!
- Hello, we're on the air. - Jolly good, well done.
Now these gentlemen are from Jordanian television, you see.
(SHE WHISPERS): We're on the air, get off!
Here's the letter, Leo.
- Excuse my friends. - What?
Oh, yes, yes of course.
Um, I suppose this is Uncle Harry
and his Arabian friends.
Uncle Harry and his Arabian friends.
- SARAH: Uh... yes, that's Uncle Harry. - No, no, we're not in the play.
- I'm head of drama here... - Yes, well how nice
to see you like this, Uncle Harry, right out of the blue, so unexpectedly
accompanied as usual by your inseparable Arabian friends.
I wonder if you would excuse us while we get on and read the letter?
What ho, yes. Don't let us get in the way.
I'm sure you're frightfully busy rehearsing your play whatnot.
Jolly good, alright Jordanian party this way.
I want you to see a boom microphone. They're rather fascinating, these.
Fancy seeing Uncle Harry again, ha, ha, ha!
Yes, isn't it amazing how interested he still is, in Arabs?
Yes, and television.
- Years ahead of his time. - Yes.
- Yes.
They're not are they?
Oh, the letter, Sarah.
I want you to read it, do you hear me, Sarah?
I want you to read every word.
It explains everything about that evening at Locksby
about Teddy's suicide, about everything.
Oh, my God.
(SHE SCREAMS)
Oh, Uncle Harry seems to have left one of his Arabian friends behind, Sarah.
So he has! Go away...
He's always... always doing things like that.
Silly old Uncle Harry.
Why don't you go and join Uncle Harry
and your two friends in the garden?
Um...
Sarah, I want you to finish reading the donkey.
- Um, the letter! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I want you to read every word do you hear me?
Every single word.
And then I want to talk about us, Sarah.
(AUDIENCE GIGGLES)
Um, could you move up, Uncle Harry's friend?
Leo! Leo!
You realise this means that...
- my marriage to Lionel is... - Yes.
- Then he's not really? - No.
- Oh, Leo! Oh, Leo! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Then we're free to... - Yes, darling, Sarah.
- Yes. - Oh, Leo!
Darling, we're alone at last...
Apart from Uncle Harry's friend.
Sarah, it's been so long since we were together like this.
Just the two of us...
...and an Arab.
Oh, Sarah. I love you. Do you hear me?
- I love you madly. - I love you too, Leo.
(SARAH SCREAMS)
Why don't you go fetch someone in the garden, Uncle Harry's friend?
(SARAH SHRIEKS)
Uh, Sarah... I'll go and fetch Uncle Harry.
- Sorry to bother you again. - (SARAH SCREAMS)
Seem to have lost one of my party.
Ah, ah, there you are. I... oh, dear, um...
Prince Abdul thing, we're moving on to Studio 2 now
to see colour television now, you see.
- This is a live production. - Live? Now? We're on the air?
Not a rehearsal.
Um...
- Ah, there you are, Uncle Harry. - Ah, good evening, yes.
Um, here I am, uncle Harry.
Uncle Harry, here I am. Not the head of Drama. Not remotely like him.
But as you so aptly put it, Uncle Harry.
Jolly good. Good evening, I'm Uncle Harry.
- Am I on the right camera? - Uh, yes, Uncle Harry. Yes, um...
Yes, uh... Sarah and I want to be alone, Uncle Harry.
I wonder if you would mind taking your Arabian friend
for a walk in the garden.
- In the garden? - Garden.
Uh... oh, yes. Uh, oh, he's gone.
Ah, well. it doesn't matter now, Uncle. Well, lovely to see you again, Uncle Harry.
- Goodbye. - Oh, uh. Goodbye.
And please give my love to Gladys...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Ad libbing you know, trying to keep it going.
Quick Sarah, there's not a moment to lose. Come with me now.
Oh, yes Leo. Now!
But let's savour this moment, it's so wonderful.
Inshallah!
Come with me now, Sarah, before it's too late.
Quiet! I can hear someone coming.
I think it's my husband!
(AUDIENCE GIGGLES)
Ah! So this is the way you treat me, Sarah!
I leave you here alone...
- except for the Arabs. - What?
Except for the Arabs.
I leave you hear alone, except for the Arabs,
and when I come home what do I find?
- Him! - It's no good, Mellish!
Sarah knows about Sebastian's will.
- What? - Yes, and Helley's suicide.
I told her everything.
- You mean, she knows? - Yes!
I know that we're not legally married.
- Don't say I didn't warn you, Leo. - (SARAH GASPS)
Ah!
- I'm going to kill you. - I'm Uncle Harry, you see.
- Who? - And, uh... and the director told...
No, I thought. I thought it would be a good idea if I asked my Arabian friends
if they'd like to leave the studio, uh... the living room
and make things easier for you, jolly good.
(HE COUGHS)
I don't care who's here, Leo. I'm going to kill you.
- No, Lionel, no! - Keep away from him, Sarah!
I'll give you three.
One.
- Two. - MAN: This way, Nigerian party!
This is the studio. You may have seen some of it.
- I appear to be interrupting something. - (WOMAN SCREAMS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - DIRECTOR: You!
- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) - You! Out of my way! You bloody fool!
You've ruined my whole bloody programme!
(HE SOBS HYSTERICALLY)
Hello, I'm so sorry, I...
Is Leo mortally wounded?
Will Lionel Mellish find the letter?
Or will the head of children's programmes turn up with a load of flaming Eskimos?
Don't ask me, we only do the bloody programmes.
This way Eskimo party, this is one of our studios.
That's the camera, if you'd like to have a look at that, there.
That's a lens. You probably have the same sort of thing in your country.
- You can see a red light on. - (DIALOGUE FADES)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)